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Hockey Jokes

A collection of the best hockey jokes on the web!!

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I believe...

Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentleman before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history" To that god says "take the seat to my left" God then turns to Steve and says, "Steven, in what do you believe?" To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that god says "take the seat to my Right" God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies I believe you are sitting in my seat
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Hockey Moms

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. So," the coach continued, "I am sure you know, when a penalty is called, you should not argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it? Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother..."

Unfair Game

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees."
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Matter of Perspective

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Boston Bruins fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Boston Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Watch my Back!!

Teemu Selanne and Chris Pronger accidentally walked into a gay bar. They had just sat when a man walked up to Teemu and asked him to dance.

Horrified, he turned to Pronger and whispered, "Help me out of this!" So Pronger grabs the guy, slams him up against the wall and mumbles something menacingly into his face. Once let out of his clutches, the guy apologized and hurried away.

Wow, Teemu says, "Thanks, what did you say to him?" Prongs shrugged and replied, "Told him we're on our honeymoon."

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He cannot tell a lie ...

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Flyers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Flyers fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and say they are too, except ONE kid named Dougie.. the teacher looks at Dougie and says, "Doug, you're not a Flyers fan?" He says, "Nope, I'm a Leafs fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Leafs fan and not a Flyers fan?" to which Dougie replies, "Well, my mom is a Leafs fan, and my dad is a Leafs fan, so I'm a Leafs fan." The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!" Dougie says, "Then I'd be a Flyers fan!"

A True Fan

A young leaf fan scores some tickets off a scalper for a Leafs vs Habs contest at the ACC .... the seat sucks but its all they had. Early in the first he notices an empty seat up in the first few rows.... Halfway through the game, the seat is still vacant, so he wanders down to it..... he asks the man sitting next to the empty seat what the deal is with the empty seat.... the man replies "This seat was for my wife but she died a few days ago...." The man knods in acknowledgment, but before he goes he asks "How come you didnt just give the extra ticket to a friend or family member?" The man replies: "They're all at the funeral"
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Fishing Tales..

Why did the Blackhawks enforcer retire early?? He was ice fishing and got run over by the zamboni!!!




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